The start of a new romantic relationship is always exciting. Finally, after swiping left on a lot of duds, you meet someone who you actually like. Sometimes, these early days can be pretty intense. Maybe you’re showered with gifts or the idea of taking a vacation together comes up just three dates in. You’re being called names like “soulmate” and the L word has even come up. Is a whirlwind romance like this too good to be true? According to relationship therapists, maybe. Being called someone’s soulmate, told “I love you,” and given expensive gifts weeks into dating are all tell-tale signs of love bombing, a form of manipulation used to gain power in a relationship. If you ignore the signs, you’re at risk of suffering severe emotional damage later on—and may even feel trapped in the relationship. Not exactly the stuff a fairytale romance is made of. Here’s how to know if your honeymoon phase is a form of manipulation in disguise.
What is love bombing?
“Love bombing is something that appears to be affection and attention, but it’s done to gain power,” says Jaylia Rentfro, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Connections Wellness Group. It’s also super intense. Here are some common phrases you may hear days or weeks into dating if you’re being love-bombed:
“You’re my soulmate.”“I love you.”“When we get married…”“When we have kids…”
Rentfro also says excessive texting and being given lavish gifts are other signs of love bombing. Psychotherapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, says this type of behavior has its roots in cults. “It was a technique that cult members would use to seduce the lonely or lost individuals that they were trying to recruit,” she says. “The cult members would be overly nice, incredibly complimentary, and particularly interested in their recruit in order to have them feel good about the group and consider joining them.” It’s the same idea when used in relationships, just scaled down to be one on one. When it comes to who is most likely to love bomb, Rentfro says it’s most common in narcissists or people with who have deep insecurities and low self-esteem. The love bomber may want to establish a strong relationship bond to secure a relationship so they aren’t alone. “They lovebomb so you feel indebted to them,” Rentfro says. But Rachel Neporent, LCSW, a psychotherapist at Frame and Rachel Neporent Therapy specializing in codependency and attachment, says that sometimes love bombing is done subconsciously. “Someone who is love bombing may not intentionally be trying to hurt the other person,” she says. They may be so desperate to be loved that love bombing is their default way of acting in a relationship. Neporent says that people with low self-esteem are also at increased risk of being love-bombed themselves. “There are insecurities on both sides,” she says. “Often, the person who is doing the love-bombing has emotional needs that weren’t met in childhood or in relationships, which created insecurities and now they are looking to have those needs met in a romantic relationship. And on the other side of it, the person who is being love-bombed may share similar qualities. Maybe they feel they’ll never find love or even doubt if they can be loved.” For this reason, she says if you find yourself repeatedly getting love bombed, it may be worth it to explore your relationship patterns with a therapist. Clearly love bombing is a red flag. But even still, the experts say it isn’t an automatic deal-breaker.
What to do if you’re being love-bombed
Part of what makes being love-bombed tricky is how great it can feel. “It feels good for someone to be impressed and dazzled by you!” Hartstein says. “It’s often attractive, charismatic people who use this as a tool of manipulation and that’s actually the goal of the behavior.” She says this is why it can be difficult to take a step back and look at the behavior objectively, but that’s exactly what she—and the other experts—recommend doing. Rentfro says to think about if the intensity matches where you are in the relationship. For example, does the person know enough about you to determine if you’re truly their soulmate or if they love you? Do the number of texts they send a day seems reasonable for the amount of time you’ve known each other? If you think you’re being love-bombed, Neporent recommends bringing it up in a nonaccusatory way. “You could say something like, ‘I don’t think we know each other well enough to have those type of feelings yet,’ or, ‘I think you’re trying to be nice, but your actions make me feel uncomfortable,’ and see how they react,” she says. If the person is receptive when you bring it up—maybe they say they didn’t realize they were coming on too strong and then they tone it down—Neporent says it may not have to be an automatic dealbreaker. Rentfro agrees that how a person reacts is key. “If you’re hearing messages like, ‘if you stay with me, we could work on this together,’ or if they say you are responsible for them acting a certain way, those are signs that they are not receptive to change,” she says. Sometimes, trying to end a relationship with a love bomber can be dangerous. If you worry that confronting their behavior or ending the relationship completely will put you in any sort of harm, Rentfro says it’s important to come up with an exit strategy with the help of a therapist. Cutting ties with a love bomber can be difficult, but Hartstein says staying in a relationship with one can severely affect someone’s mental health. “You can end up being sucked into choices and decisions that you might not be making under other circumstances,” she says. In addition to being stuck living a life you never wanted to live, Neporent says continually being emotionally manipulated can lead to depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress syndrome. Love bombing can be seriously detrimental, but all three experts say that it doesn’t mean exciting, magical relationship beginnings don’t exist. “Sometimes, movies give this idea that a whirlwind romance is a really common beginning to relationships,” Neporent says. “But I think it’s more beneficial to slow down and let a relationship build on itself. That’s how healthy relationships are actually formed.” Besides, the most important part of any fairytale romance is the happy ending. With love bombing, your relationship is more likely to go up in smoke, not fireworks. Next up, here are 101 breakup quotes that will help you move on after breaking up with a love bomber.
Sources
Jaylia Rentfro, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at Connections Wellness GroupAimee Hartstein, LCSW, psychotherapistRachel Neporent, LCSW, psychotherapist at Frame and Rachel Neporent Therapy
