First thing’s first: “Stages seem to suggest that you move from one to the other,” says Susan J. Elliott, a divorce lawyer and author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. That’s why she calls them “phases” instead, “because you can go and back between them,” she says. So if you find yourself feeling better some weeks and worse others, don’t worry—it’s totally normal. “Breakups are about grief,” Elliott explains, which is why “you might be in shock in the beginning, then have an avalanche of emotions and then things subside,” she says. “But, like unresolved grief, there are many unresolved relationships and you can go back and forth between these phases for a long time.” Here’s how to tell which of the breakup stages you’re at right now, plus what lies ahead on your road to healing.
4 Stages of a Breakup
Pre-Breakup Stage: Evaluation
Leading up to the breakup itself, you and your ex may have been in the “Evaluation Stage.” “This is often the longest and most emotional part of a breakup—the back-and-forth decision of whether it’s worth it to stay or whether you need to go,” says Damona Hoffman, certified dating coach and host of The Dates & Mates Podcast. “Many couples stay in this state for years—unable to see a way forward if they leave but unhappy in the state that they are in—because the challenge of untangling your lives and feelings is often too overwhelming to face in that moment,” Hoffman explains.
Stage 1: Denial, Grief & Guilt
“This is a big first stage,” says relationship expert Lauren Peacock, author ofFemale. Likes Cheese. Comes with Dog.: Stories About Divorce, Dating, and Saying “I Do" and creator of The Divorce Case subscription box. “You don’t want to accept that your relationship may truly be over. For real this time!” Alongside those feelings, you’ll also have feelings of overwhelming grief and possibly even guilt. Hoffman says, “Depending on whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, this initial stage of loss can bring up feelings of grief from the lost relationship plan or guilt at having disappointed or hurt another.” As painful as this first breakup stage is, it’s ultimately better to know now that you two aren’t a match than to stay in limbo or denial, Hoffman says.
Stage 2: Rebounding
Once the overwhelming feelings of denial and guilt subside, you might progress into a rebound stage. “During this stage, we tend to go out on random dates and drink a lot to avoid addressing our true feelings about our breakup,” says Peacock. Even if you don’t rebound into a new relationship, “This stage is where people go all-in on pretending to be ‘fine,’” Peacock explains—even though you’re clearly not. For example, you might act out in other peculiar ways, like completely changing your look, picking up a new hobby, or planning an impromptu getaway.
Stage 3: Emotional Overload & Self-Care
“I call stage three ‘Oh Snap,’” Peacock says. “This is when your emotions get the best of you.” You can expect “Lots of crying, sleeping and finally confronting your feelings that you’ve been putting off for so long.” This stage of a breakup is one of the most painful, but also the most necessary. You have to face your feelings head-on so you can process and grow from them. “This is the stage where you get perspective on what you’ve learned and what you want in the next relationship,” Hoffman says. Even though you’re dealing with heavy feelings during this stage, “It’s also the time to focus on yourself,” Hoffman says, “so you can come to the table in a new relationship whole again.” This might mean indulging in some spa-like pampering, doing some meditating and journaling, or doing something just for you—may be something you’d previously put off because of your relationship.
Stage 4: Acceptance
If you do the work, you’ll eventually reach acceptance. This final stage of a breakup is where “you can objectively see the relationship and breakup for what it was and keep the good parts and discard the rest,” Elliott says. Peacock adds: “This is accepting the break-up and moving forward with single life. Ideally, this includes things like traveling and seeing new places, or doing anything you may have wanted to try before, but didn’t for the sake of your previous relationship,” she says. In short: “This is where you seek inspiration to spark your new journey ahead.” Once you go through this last breakup stage, this is when you’ll be able to entertain the idea of dating, Hoffman says. It might not mean that you’ve found a new person, but it’s when you have developed an independent life again and can welcome a new person into your life with clarity,” she explains. Check out…28 Ways to Get Over Someone100 Best Breakup Songs100 Grief Quotes12 Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner15 Falling Out of Love Signs
